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In Loving Memory of Browny

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Top Ten Excuses For Not Coming To Work

So everyone has at some point thrown a sicky. Whether it’s genuine or it’s a blatant lie, very rarely has anyone ever been honest – even the boss. So here are some of the outright lies and total shambolic excuses that I’ve heard to get out of work.

  1. I had a violent attack of diarrhoea whilst driving into work.  I had to pull over and nearly got run over in the process of diving out of the car to sort myself out. Needless to say, I won’t be in work until I can get myself cleaned up.
  2. I woke up with a headache. The doctor said it probably wasn’t life threatening but I’ve got an emergency cat scan this morning to determine if it’s a tumour or not.
  3. My wife/grandmother/grandfather/dog/cat/goldfish etc… died suddenly and I’m the only person in the whole universe who can deal with it.
  4. The bath/shower exploded and has flooded my kitchen, which happens to be underneath it. I’m waiting on the emergency plumber as I can’t leave the house in this state.
  5. My wife/husband has left me.
  6. My wife has left me with the baby/children/dependants and I don’t know what to do.
  7. My wife/flatmate/husband’s gone to work and double locked the front door. I have no way of getting out of the house/flat/garden shed.
  8. I quit. I’m going to live in Scotland and become a magician.
  9. I’m having an affair with your wife/husband.
  10. I thought it was Saturday.

Search for films inspired by Roman Polanski

 KINOTEKA POLISH FILM FESTIVAL LAUNCHES NATIONWIDE FRANTIC FILMS: A COMPETITION FOR FILMS INSPIRED BY ROMAN POLANSKI

 

 My films are the expression of momentary desires. I follow my instincts, but in a disciplined way.

 Roman Polanski

The 11th Kinoteka Polish Film Festival (March 7-17 2013) and the Polish Cultural Institute are proud to announce the launch of a national short filmmaking competition in partnership with the BFI’s Polanski season and inspired by the work of Roman Polanski. The award is proudly sponsored by the Project London Films, a distributor of Polish films in UK and Ireland.

Kinoteka introduces its first ever, nationwide, open-entry competition with Frantic Films, a competition inspired by the work of Roman Polanski to create a short film of no more than 10 minutes in length. The creative challenge is wide open but all entrants, whether a remake, artistic interpretation or spoof, need to reference Polanski’s cinema and will be judged by a jury of film professionals who worked with Polanski including Timothy Burrill (producer “The Pianist”, “Oliver Twist”), Jerzy Skolimowski (scriptwriter “Knife in the Water”) and Pawel Edelman (DOP “The Pianist”, “Carnage”) on the following three criteria:

-        The independent character of the film submitted.

-        The quality of its response to Polanski’s cinema.

-        Its use of the short film form. 

Having worked in Poland, France, the UK and Hollywood, Roman Polanski has created a body of work which defies categorisation by genre or nationality, probing instead such universal human experiences as lust, paranoia, brutality, and humour; experiences filtered through, rather than defined by time and place. They are films, which have expanded our understanding of the camera as a tool for exploring the psyche, and redefined cinematic experience through narrative and technical experimentation, creating in the process some of the most iconic moving images of our time.

The competition opens for submissions 2 January 2013. The deadline for submissions is 1 March 2013. The shortlisted films will be presented on KINOTEKA website www.kinoteka.org.uk and open for electronic audience votes until 15 March 2013. The winners will be announced during the 11th KINOTEKA Closing Night Gala on 17 March.

There will be 2 awards given:


  1. 1.    Best film Award winner will receive £1000 worth of film equipment.
  2. 2.     The Audience Award winner will receive a film making course at the London Film Academy. 

For terms and conditions as well as submitting details please visit www.kinoteka.org.uk/ 

Nights of Noir – one week only

Nights of Noir continues with MGM HD (Sky Channel 313) presenting a unique season of gripping crime films across seven nights in glorious True HD. This includes two of the genres most lauded films, showing in HD for the very first time in the UK: Kubrick’s seminal The Killing and Robert Aldrich’s Kiss Me Deadly. Also playing are Kubrick’s second feature Killer’s Kiss, The Sweet Smell of Success starring a vicious Burt Lancaster, The Night of the Hunter, Robert Wagner as an American college student with murderous intentions in A Kiss Before Dying and Kansas City Confidential which follows an ex-con trying to go straight. Nights of Noir on MGM HD is available to all viewers with a Sky HD+ box via Sky Movies HD Dual subscribers, or as a standalone channel for just £5 per month.

MGM HD – Nights Of Noir SCHEDULE INFORMATION

12-18 November, Sky Channel 313:  A week of film Noir classics in True HD

Killer’s Kiss (Stanley Kubrick, 1955) – Monday 12 November 8pm

The Sweet Smell of Success (Alexander Mackendrick, 1957) – Tuesday 13 November 8pm

Kansas City Confidential (Phil Karlson, 1952) – Wednesday 14 November, 8pm

A Kiss Before Dying (Gerd Oswald, 1956) – Thursday 15 November, 8pm

The Night of the Hunter (Charles Laughton, 1955) – Friday 16 November 8pm

The Killing (Stanley Kubrick, 1956) – Saturday 17 November 8pm (UK HD Premiere)

Kiss Me Deadly (Robert Aldrich, 1955) – Sunday 18 November 8pm (UK HD Premiere)

Chernobyl Diaries out on DVD

CHERNOBYL DIARIES“I work alone,” says Yuri the Russian tour guide as he strands his victims deep into the heart of Chernobyl. It’s a cliche line and unfortunately it doesn’t get any better, for the six tourists or the viewer.

Despite the visually rich setting of Chernobyl, there is nothing new to see here. Six tourists in for an extreme thrill tour through the deserted landscape of what was once Chernobyl. All too soon they realise they are not alone.

The main problem with Chernobyl Diaries is that we have to wait thirty minutes before the action starts and by the time it starts to gather momentum, over an hour has passed and we are already on the home straight. Too long is wasted trying to establish characters with six highly unsympathetic people. We know it’s all ending in disaster so there seems no point in hanging around.

The thrills are predictable with the usual shaky cam and shocks scattered around to keep interest up, but the twists are run of the mill and just not frightening enough.We are well into the last twenty minutes of the film before the nightmare kicks in. On top of this, screeching, irritating twenty somethings do not make for sympathetic characters as they are seen to ‘ask for it’.

There is an idea here though, albeit a seed of one, that just never seems to take root and flourish. It all just tumbles into a rather pedestrian routine movie that we’ve all seen before. Not that that should put you off. If you’re not expecting much or like your thrills predictable and safe, then this could be the Halloween shocker for you.

Best bit? The bear.

Worst bit? The explanation.

Out on DVD/BluRay on 22nd October 2012 in UK.

Extras include: Alternate Ending, Deleted Scene, Chernobyl Conspiracy Viral Video plus more.

Cert: 15

So who is more afraid – the UK or the USA?

American Horror Story was released on Blu-ray and DVD on 15th October courtesy of Twentieth Century Fox Home Entertainment, who decided to find out what really scares us all…

A recent survey reveals that balmy Brits are becoming weirder and weirder as fears of chicken’s feet, money, dead birds, ants, balloons, crabs and snow were all polled as they were asked what is their greatest fear.

Twentieth Century Fox asked Brits and our pals across the pond to reveal what their greatest fears are to mark the release of TV series ‘American Horror Story’ to Blu-ray and DVD.

Despite now having ‘luscious locks’ Brits will still be replicating Wayne Rooney’s ‘Shrek-like’ look this Halloween when he was revealed as the fourth scariest looking celebrity. Jackie Stallone dubbed the ‘Bride of Wildenstein’s evil twin sister’ by Brits topped this category, with Marilyn Manson being named as the celebrity most Americans would be scared of bumping into in a dark alley.

The top phobia in the UK was found to be spiders, with Yorkshire being the area that housed the most people who admitted to suffering with an irrational fear.  Americans proved they don’t have the stomach for heights when this was discovered as their greatest phobia.

Violence was the number one fear for UK and US citizens alike, beating worries such as terrorism, gun crime and natural disasters.

America proved itself to be a country of believers with over 35% of people saying they believed and had seen a ghostly presence, compared to only 25% from the United Kingdom who mostly said they did not believe in spirits or paranormal activity. Those living in the London area where more likely to have seen a ghost than anywhere else in the country.

In terms of which fear most defines the two countries, terrorism struck a chord with US respondents whilst the UK choose not to be defined by one clear fear. However, more men than women in the UK think terrorism is a prevalent concern.

As expected more women are afraid of the dark than men in both the UK and US, with 21% of women in the UK admitting to still being afraid of the dark compared to only 14% in America. However it was Northern Ireland which came out on top of the survey as being the region most likely to keep their night light on and avoid the dark.

Most Brits felt that their fears remained consistent throughout their lives whilst American optimism shone through with 48% believing their fears have been alleviated as they got older.